I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
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Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes